Pizza restaurant advice

The Alien Child is home, arriving just ahead of the snowstorm and closing of the pass because of the avalanche danger. He seems to have matured more, and to my surprise, he has not only washed his clothes, but FOLDED them. So far, he hasn’t put them away, but I am counting my blessings.

He has been working pretty hard, 25 hours a week at a pizza place in Pullman, as well as pulling down a full course load at the university, and still getting good grades, thank goodness. It turns out he has just about mastered making pizza, and though he hasn’t quite got to the point of tossing the pizza dough in the air, he is almost there. After having worked there for a while, he has some words of advice regarding the ordering of pizza.

1. When you call in an order and are asked if you want to hear about the specials, say yes. The Alien Child has said there are more times than he can count when a customer has abruptly said no to hearing about the specials, then orders a custom pizza that can actually be modified to or actually is the special. Usually, if the order exactly fits the special, the Alien Child will tell the customer that it IS the special and about the discount. However, if he’s cut off in the middle informing the customer that the custom order is a special, he has no choice but to charge for a custom order, which is always more expensive.

2. Big tippers are remembered. There is a “tippers hall of fame” board in his particular shop, where the names of big tippers are listed. They also get free breadsticks if they are on the list, but the AC thinks this is sort of a lame incentive, in that breadsticks are less expensive than the big tips. Still, most customers are aware of this, but like to give big tips just to see their names on the list, which he thinks is cool. They will make a special effort for customers like this.

3. They get inebriated customers more than a few weekends, especially on game days. They don’t mind the pleasantly drunk customers, especially since they tend to tip generously. However, a large tip is not compensation for an obnoxious drunk. They would prefer sober customers. Most of all, take tip from the movie "Waiting": "Never f--- with the people that serve you food."

4. Custom orders will always take longer than specials, because specials are pre-made. If you want a pizza in a timely manner and it’s a Friday or Saturday night, order a special.

5. Do not try to fool the pizza order-taker with fake coupons. They have every coupon logged into their order system. However, customers will try to do this anyway:

Customer: Uh, hi, I’ve got a coupon that says I can get a large pizza for 99 cents?
AC: Sorry, sir, we don’t have a coupon for that amount.
Customer: Oh, wait, I read it wrong, I think it says 2.99.
AC: No, we don’t have that offer, sir.
Customer: 3.99?
AC: No.
Customer: 5.99?
AC: You sure it doesn’t say $7.99?
Customer: Uh, yeah, that’s what it is.
AC: We don’t have a coupon for that amount, either. Dude, you don’t have a coupon, do you?
Customer: Uh, no.
AC: We do have a special deal, extra large up to 5 toppings, for 13.99. You want that?
Customer: No coupon?
AC: No, but it’s the special.
Customer: Oh. Okay.

6. Do not enroll for a credit card that says you can get a pizza for 99 cents if you sign up. There is no guarantee that the local pizza place has any affiliation with that offer. Besides, why do that if you can get frequent flyer miles with other cards?