Empty nest syndrome

Yeah, I've got it. Bad. And no, this is not something that will send me into a dark enough mood to write a DARK DARK DARK story. My boy is going off to college in a little more than three months.

Being a mom is the one occupation where, if you've done a good job, you're essentially fired. Okay, not exactly, because as my son says, I'll always be his mom. But it sure feels that way.

Thing is, I believe the hubby and I have done a good job. Our son is a good kid...young man...well, as he puts it, "dude." He says that while he is not a kid any more, he doesn't quite feel like a man yet either, even though at 18, he is legally an adult. He says there should be an in-between man-and-boy state, and he figures "dude"is about right, because he thinks a man is a guy who is ready to take on a full time job and a family, and he's not there yet.

So, my son is a good dude. And while I would tend toward the term "kid," I suspect he's closer to the right term than I am. For a young male who is just about ready to go to college, he's a laid-back, highly intelligent, artistically and musically talented, reasonably mature, cheerful sort who has never been in any bad trouble, no more more trouble than a couple of months' worth of grounding didn't cure. He's kind, generous, and hard working once he gets himself going, and an ironic and quirky sense of humor. He has a few faults of course: procrastination, impatience, and a lack of...diplomacy. In other words, he does not hesitate to speak the blunt truth, which has got him into trouble in his early teen years. Nothing like a smart-aleck to upset the authorities, especially if he's got all of his facts to back him up. He has learned some diplomacy--that is, to shut up when it's wise to do so.

I remember broken ankles from skateboarding, bloodied knees from falling off his bicycle, a couple of fights defending smaller kids from bullies (yes, that did get him in trouble at school, but that is the one thing that will throw him into a towering rage, seeing others being bullied). But other than that--knock on wood--no other trouble.

I'm glad he's the way he is. It's been a joy to watch him grow up to what he is. He's active in church, is an Eagle Scout, all that, without being a prig. He's not even embarrassed to tell me or my husband that he loves us--in public. He has, most of all, a loving heart.

Knowing all of this still doesn't eliminate the hole that's beginning to form in my heart. I'm going to miss that boy something terrible when he goes to college.

But he's turning out all right. And yeah, I'm counting my blessings. Along with my dear husband, he's a big blessing in my life, and I'm thankful. I hope some day he'll bring as much joy to others as he has to us.

Sure, I'm biased. I love that boy to pieces. But I'm betting you all know of teenagers who are good kids, too. The media and TV shows and all show us all the problems with teenagers, all the awful things about them. The media makes us think that there are ravaging hordes of teenagers out there about to maul, kill, vandalize, get pregnant, you name it. But I'm betting those are in the minority. In fact, according to the most recent US Census Bureau and the Center for Disease control, teenage violence and teen pregnancies are at an all-time low.

I remember when my boy was about three years old, we went trick-or-treating. There were kids of all sizes out there running around in their costumes. But all of a sudden, he cried out and clutched my leg. I said, "Derek, it's just kids in costumes!" But he shook his head. "No, Mommy, I'm afraid of the teenagers."

That shocked me. "Did any of those kids ever hurt you?" I asked, ready to do battle if need be. He shook his head again. "No. But teenagers do bad things, I see it on TV all the time. They never do anything good." It wasn't until I told him that every grown-up was once a teenager, and that his mom and dad weren't bad when we were teenagers that he finally was comforted.

Wow. If that's the impression a pretty smart three year old child picked up, the "bad teen" image must be pretty prevalent. I heard somewhere that even though the crime rate has fallen fairly steadily in the last 20 years, the reporting of crime and violence has increased 720 percent. In other words, we're hearing about the same violence over and over and over again. What's really sad is that it has a definite effect: people are pretty willing to give up on teenagers if they do get into trouble. They're not even willing to donate used clothes for homeless or impoverished teenagers. Plenty of new and used clothes are donated for elementary school kids, but middle-school or high school kids? Forget it. And yet, I know of homeless teens who nevertheless try so very hard to stay in school, despite the lack of food, clothes, and a safe place to stay. Teens who'll do their homework by the light of a streetlamp, or if they're lucky to find a spot, an outside table at a Starbucks, or in the public library if it's open. If there are homeless teenagers who are still trying to do the right thing, there are no doubt a lot more teens who have homes and families who are also trying to do the right thing as well.

So I'm thinking the reality is, things aren't as bad as the media makes it out to be. I'm not saying that there isn't violence and that we don't need to try to improve our society. There is, and we do.

But chances are good that it's not nearly as bad as we think it is. I'm willing to bet you know of at least a couple of teenagers who are good kids, who maybe mess up, but who get back on track, do their best, and most of all, have good hearts. If you know of any, chime in! And if they're your own, feel free to boast away. :-)

--Karen H.